Today was quite an interesting day. I had a pretty awful experience at work that made me want to just crawl into a corner and break out into a million tears, and big surprise, when I got home, while talking to a close friend of mine, I did. I wish it were just Mother’s Day bringing me down, but I know better. I’ve been avoiding…myself, purposefully. My only hope at getting past it is letting the people that care most about me know about it, which I did today, twice. I still find opening up so awkward and painful that I’d rather be a coward and not do it. Buuut that won’t get me anywhere :|

I cried in front of Joel today for the first time. He didn’t really know what to do and I felt so conflicted over the whole thing (like relieved and a little warmer inside but bad at the same time). I hope this hard crash stings just long enough for me to actually make a productive change this time. Something’s gotta give.

i feel like i always end up back in this place, where i feel as if i’m lost and don’t know what to do with myself. i have my hopes up for this summer. i really, really, really want things to work out. i just hope i can keep it together and not scare him away. i don’t think i really have best friends anymore. i can only think of one friend i still have that i would consider a ‘best friend’, and even that bond has faded from what it once was. i feel so dumb bringing this stuff up to people that i know, so i don’t tell anyone that these things bother me anymore. maybe i’m better off that way…

damn it, i really did not want to end up back here, hating my body. i though i was past this? but in reality, i see that nothing’s really changed. my habits are still the same, so i’ve allowed myself to become this. the reason why i feel this bad is because of me. if i didn’t have a job, i wouldn’t even want to get out of bed in the morning. i don’t know what to do here anymore. i want my life to be interesting, but instead i have a routine that’s gotten more than old and sometimes…because i see no way out, i don’t want to do it anymore.

okay a lot has happened since i’ve last been around…

• i lost most of my good friends
• i met a really nice guy
• we started dating
• he took my virginity
• i got scared i was pregnant
• then new year’s came…and it turned out i wasn’t :3
• he’s on the other side of the us right now, in the military and won’t be back for 5 months
• and i’m stuck here, clinging to my job and the few friends that i still have left while he’s gone. 

i just wish i had more friends, though :/ 

i really hope i didn’t make a mistake with this oh god